Faith

A few times I’ve been trying to question myself, “Does God really exists?”

Back in the days when God or Jesus Christ had not appeared in my life, I was being asked to follow my mom to this temple thing. I would do the things she did and worshiped the same “god” she worships. She was a devoted Buddhist back then.

This morning as I was listening to the sermon by Rev. Kenneth Chin, from ACTS church, something he said triggered my mind. I went off flying back to the memory I had in my memory vault. Unlocking the vault, I saw myself for the first time, boarding on the plane to come to Kuala Lumpur or should I say Subang Jaya. I saw my heart and what I had on my mind at that exact moment. Thrilled was of course one of them. But no, not only the excitement that I had in store for the past few weeks after I received the offer letter from the government. It was something else… a sense of achievement, success and pride. Being dictated by these thoughts and feelings, I was actually being a proud person. Seriously, do I really take this offer as a blessing from God? I doubted myself.

It is this sense of achievement and success that kept me from realizing what God has set for me. A better plan or He has already done most of the job for me? I did not even hesitate whether to accept the offer or not. It’d be such a “noble” act to reject the scholarship. I saw this as an opportunity and I grabbed hold on it. Never wanting to let it slip away from my hand, I hold on to it tightly. The sermon sparked one of my nervous cells perhaps, in which it actually asked me to ponder on this question: “What am I doing here?” Well, study of course would be the main reason. But is there anything else more than that? What was preached on was the message of faith. Have I been able to keep my faith strong all the way while I am in this place? Yes and no. I wish I had come here with a heart full of God, showing the others that I’m actually a “God-fearing dude”. Every time I tried looking in the mirror, I asked myself what changes I can make during the time I am going to be here. Would God always be there for me when I need him?

I can’t deny the fact that I am thinking whether God is still out there watching over me? And I certainly won't feel shameful over such thought that I’m scared to know that the God I’ve trusted doesn’t even exist. This enigma, I must throw it aside and really set my faith right. Abraham believed in God, though he did not really receive the promise while he was still alive. But what happens after he died was he has got descendants that are as many as the stars in the sky and the sand in the beach. I want to be just like Abraham. I wish that things would be more lucid to me. I don’t want to be just a superficial guy and a hypocrite. I don’t want to do things on my own strength as it will wear me out.

I hope for more faith in You…